Tối hôm qua tôi đi sinh nhật anh Hà và anh Nguyên. Lâu lắm rồi hội Sài Gòn (dân LHP và Năng Khiếu) ở New York mới tụ tập nhau đông đủ thế này. Có anh Hà, anh Nguyên, anh Hoàng Anh, anh Phong, anh Duy và chị Minh. Thật sung sướng vì chẳng mấy khi mình được là người bé nhất ở đây. Hi hi hi…
Buổi sinh nhật thật vui, tuy là hội SG nhưng gần hết là gốc Bắc. Thế mà còn ngồi than là dân Hà Nội dữ quá, ra ngoài đó đi mua bán mà sợ bị mắng chửi gần chết. Hic hic… Nghĩ lại thì lần cuối cùng có mặt đông đủ thế này là hôm ăn tối với nhau sau khi Quỳnh Hương mất. Mặc dù không ai nói ra nhưng tất cả chúng tôi đều đang nhớ đến Hương và buồn vô cùng khi vắng mất một người bạn.
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To my friend Quynh Huong:
It’s been 3 months since you passed away. Up to now I still couldn’t get over it to accept that you are gone forever. I would give anything for you to live. I want to see you smile again. You were so young, so talented, so beautiful, so kind, and so brave. Your life is short lived, but you have touched more people than many could do in their life time. I am so sorry for not being able to do more for you. I was so scared, I didn’t know what to say or do. I am sorry I didn’t know how to give a good massage. I could never forgive myself for not visiting you more often. I still remember the last time I saw you, when I walked out of your hospital room, you even raised your hand to wave to me. I didn’t know it was your final good bye. Until now, I still crave that warm feeling of visiting you at NY Presbyterian hospital. I remember the beautiful view of the East River from your room that you were never able to enjoy. Your friends, your parents, your boyfriend, were all there besides you everyday. We laughed, we ate, we talked and we bonded like a family. We all tried to be happy because we were afraid “you’ll kick us out of your room if one of us cried” but it was so painful to see you get weaker day by day. The last time I hugged you, you were so skinny. I could never forget that Thanksgiving we had lunch in your room. I knew you were tired but happy to have so many friends visit. And we planned to have Christmas together before you come back to the hospital for another round of chemo. But you had to be rushed to the hospital before celebrating Christmas. You know, being this cold person who’s not able to express emotions, I cried and cried so much one day after visiting you. I am still in tears writing this at my office.
You know, your passing away have made me think a lot about my life and how I should live. I realized that life is so fragile, so short. I went to every single doctor I could think of to get checkups (general doctor, skin doctor, OB-GYN, dentist). I tried to live everyday as if it is my last day. I want to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend. I wanted to be able to say “I love you” to the ones I love. I wanted to be able to do all the things I dreamt of. And I wish I could help you do all the things you weren’t able to do. I miss you so much, my friend.
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These days I have been writing a lot. I am writing because there's so many things going on in my mind, I feel like exploding. The last time I ever wrote in a diary was 10th grade but stopped when my sister found the diary and read it to my entire family.
I have been walking around a lot these days. I walk to different streets in the city, taking different routes everytime. I am trying to see the city in different ways like I’ve never seen it. One day my blog might not be called “Single girl in the city” anymore, not because I’m not single anymore, but because I’m not going to be here anymore. Last night I called my mom at 2 AM and cried for half an hour.
The also funny thing is, this past week, when I am so depressed, looking so grumpy and dressed so shitty walking around, I was asked to go out by 3 different guys. Isn’t it ironic? Maybe I should keep this depressed mood longer, ha ha…
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OK, I promise to stop this depressing mood soon or else my blog would not be “for entertainment purposes only” but “for suicide watch” ha ha…
Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!
hohohoho..... I only read to the whole family the diary in grade 8... About the tiny lil one in grade 10, I kept it as a "secret of 2 people" hohoho... am I not prestigious??? *mat cho'p chop'*
ReplyDeleteaww... my lovely girl.. with a complicated heart =)
ReplyDeletevo tinh qua blog chi Hien em qua blog cua chi. O NY, chinh xac la o St Johns cung co 2 dua SG va LHP ne hihi. NJ thi em biet 1 ddua nua dang hoc Princeton.
ReplyDelete