Sometimes I feel like I'm the most miserable girl in the world. Why can't I be simple and happy? Why do I have to be so complicated?
However, when I think about it, I also know that I am the luckiest girl in the world. And it is so true. I have a happy family. I have the smartest and most sophisticated mom and the most hardworking dad. I have the sweetest sister ever.
But most of all, I have the best friends ever. To tell the truth, I never felt I was a good friend at all. I sometimes ignored my friends’ phone calls or emails (so you can also imply that I never call or email anyone). I never remember anyone's birthdays. I was never one of those sympathetic friend and never good at expressing emotions or love. I am just lucky that my friends haven’t left me.
Ever since elementary school, I have had Lena and Ky Ha. I am also lucky that Lena and I have been together for so long, from Bangkok to Sai Gon to the US, and now we're in the same city – the best city in the whole world. We are so different yet I know I can trust her and she helps me view life in a different perspective.
In high school I had Mai Vy and Nga. Although I hated high school and didn't have good memories, they were what I remembered most. We girls in our white Ao Dais, sitting in the front row of the classroom, always gossiping about guys and copying each other's homework. It feels like only yesterday that we were together. There was also this moment of high school that I could never forget. We were in 11th grade, Math period or something like that. I was sitting next to T. I don't know what we were talking about but it came to this subject of “babies”. And to my dismay, I found out that she had no idea where babies came from. Imagine this coming from one of the top students in class, who should naturally be good at Biology. So the teacher was doing his thing on the board, and there I was, in the front row, whispering into T's ear a "crash course on how to make babies"! Needless to say, I didn't learn anything new in that class. But I am sure T did.
And then I went to England, to the boring city of Nottingham – the land of Robin Hood. It was the hardest 2 years of my life. Being away from home at 16, experiencing culture shock and financial hardship etc. I stayed with the same host family with Vinh Ha. We fought sometimes but we went everywhere together. He helped me get through those two years. At that time, I was a better student, but now I envy him (and I’m also very happy for him) for getting to do what he loves and loving every moment of it, while I am still stuck in this confined way of how to life my life.
I also came to know anh Hoang during my time in England. It was actually really funny how we knew each other. There was this forum on TTVNOL on “Sex before marriage”. I was really opposed to pre-marital sex and had strong opinions. He was one of those “perverts” who said “We should have as much sex as possible”. So we got into a big “argument” online where I called him all kinds of names. Somehow he found my contact and called me and suddenly we became friends! He was like a big brother to me, teaching me a lot about life and helping me open up, how to be a good friend and a good person. He also taught me to swear. He was also one of the reasons why I got a scholarship to the US. At that time, I had to go all the way to London to take the SATs, TOEFL, interviews for colleges in the US. He was the one to put me up, to take me out for meals, take me to the testing centers and giving me support. To this day, every time we talk, the first question he would ask is, “Hey are you still a virgin?” Ha ha ha…
During my time abroad, I also have a very special pen pal Khoi. You see, Khoi always had a crush on me since high school but never had the courage to tell me until I left. So we started emailing back and forth. I could tell him all my problems, my loneliness and hardship while living abroad. He would tell me about his life back at home, his effort to go abroad, about his family, his dog. When I’m sad, he would email me beautiful songs to cheer me up. Nowadays, whenever I cry in my sleep, I would listen to the song “Cry on my shoulder”, thinking that he’s there to comfort me.
I came to the US and met Tien who became my best friend in college (to know more, please read the “Happy day” blog entry). I also got to know Karol, my crazy Bolivian friend. It was freshman year and we had no place to stay for winter break. Luckily, I found a house to stay and pulled Karol in. We always joked that I saved him from being homeless that cold winter. He is so unique; I can’t find a way to describe him. Yet I can only say that he pulls me back to the ground whenever I got too crazy. He taught me that you have to love yourself and be self sufficient before you can love others. He never approved of my crush on guys and says “Mai, why do you always have to be dependent on a guy?” He is so talented and knowledgeable. He can paint really well and has special interest in Architecture (which is my long lost dream by the way). I haven’t seen him for 2 years and miss him terribly. He’s now at Rochester doing his PhD and hopefully will become an important Economist in the future. I am so proud of him.
There are many other important people in my life: chi Yen (who’s my big sister and takes really good care of me), An, Liem etc. There are people I forgot to name in this entry. But trust me, I love you and will never forget.
Most of all, I must mention Luan. What does it feel like to be loved by someone unconditionally or to have a friend who was always there for you? Well, I was lucky to have both. My friend Luan, whom I met in 10th grade, is someone whom I owe a lot of what I have now to. He literally held my hands and walked me through every step, pushing me the whole time when I was applying to college. Up to these days, whenever I get disappointed, I can always call him and cry. He believes in my ability and strength even when I am unsure of myself. He even wrote about me in his college application essay “The woman of my life”. I am forever grateful for everything he has given me and everything he has done for me. I am forever in debt to him for not being able to return his love for me. I love you with all my heart as a friend, and I am sorry for not being able to be your girlfriend or wife.
And then last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I started chatting with Bao Son, a friend from secondary school whom I haven’t talked to or seen in 10 years. I was so surprised that he would listen to my problems and comfort me and made me feel so much better.
And then he sent me this song:
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed
Its the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
Its the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
Its the one who wont be taken, the one who cant seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember that in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose.
