149 days of summer and fall

After 149 days of waiting, I got to see the person I love for 1 hour. Yes, after 149 days of loneliness, of never ending hope, prayers and disappointment.

Yet I walked out of that café crying and heartbroken once again. Only to have to accept the fact that the person I loved does not exist anymore. The person I was having lunch with, although pocessing the same body, was a completely different person. He was not the kind, loving, gentle, sweet, smart guy I used to know. He was not the same guy who would pursue me for months, take me to see chick flicks to comfort me when I was down, send me cute text messages only to get a reply from me one week later, run all the way to my house just to give me my favorite drink, cook for me and take me on romantic walks. He was not the same guy who wanted to marry me, who made plans for our future, who lovingly introduced me to his parents. The person I love made me feel safe and happy. However, this time sitting in front of me was an indifferent and cold stranger. Up until now I still couldn’t understand what happened.

What did I do after that? I walked straight into a boutique and bought myself two expensive dresses. I also went and distribute copies of all the relationship books I have to distribute to my heartbroken girl friends.

Back to the 1-hour lunch. What did I say to him after 149 days? NOTHING. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of saying something wrong that he would leave. Afraid of wasting our precious time together. Afraid of not being able to express myself or defending my feelings. And guess what? I was afraid of embarrassing him in front of other people, too.

Later that night, I talked to a friend, amid my tears and he asked, “Did you tell him how you feel?” “Uh huh, I told him I was hurt and lonely and missed him” “Did he take it seriously?” “I guess not. He said you look pretty and healthy! And laughed it off” “Do you see the problem now?”

What my friend pointed out what something I haven’t realized for many years. I don’t know when it started, but I have long had the habit of acting to please other people. Life is almost like a show where it is always the same routine. When I go out, I would always dress nicely, look happy, laugh and talk. No one had any idea how I feel or what I’m thinking or what was going on. When I am sad, I could always think of stupid pranks or jokes or crazy ideas or adventures or write a funny story about it. I had no idea how to express my true feelings. No one could understand. No one really knows. Maybe the only time I revealed myself involuntarily was when I was drunk.

Some of my best friends for a long time didn’t know until they witness first hand the reality. One even said, “When you go out, you are so confident and happy. I thought you were the “guy killer” who could get any guy you want and always treated like a princess”. Isn’t it ironic? When I have been heartbroken over one guy after the next, lonely and insecure, miserable and depressed for many years, even my friends thought I was happy with so many options to choose from!

Looking back, maybe I should have come see him in my messy hair, pajamas and swollen eyes so that he could see what life was really like these past 5 months without him. Why did I have to look pretty and sit there and watch him leave?

Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!

The purple house

Teddy and Mimi were lovers. Mimi with her dreamy eyes and vulnerable heart, Teddy with his plans and dreams for the future. They used to spend endless afternoons standing by the window of their 13^th floor apartment, looking at the far distance. Teddy would hold Mimi from behind, kiss gently on her cheek and point at a house far away "One day we'd have a house like that and start a family together". The house, all by itself on a hill, was painted purple and surrounded by big trees and beautiful flowers. Mimi only smiled. Beside Teddy, she felt safe and happy.

It was on those afternoons that they dreamed of their future together. The purple house would have a big study room where Teddy could work at his desk but still be able to look out of the grand windows into the garden to watch Mimi and the kids. In the garden, their little boy and girl and would be playing hide and seek, the dog running around with them, their laughter still so innocent, while Mimi lies on a blanket on the grass, reading her book of poetry.

But Teddy left. Before they could build a purple house together. Before they could even start a life together. His ambitions were much bigger than what their life could promise. Even Mimi's gentle touch and sweet kiss could not hold him back. Mimi spend endless months searching for an answer, thinking that if only she could find a purple house, Teddy would return and they could be happy together. But Teddy never came back.

Mimi never had the chance to return to the apartment. Only from there could they see the purple house. Sometimes when thinking of Teddy, Mimi often imagined their purple house. To her, it was an image of happiness, of a happy ending that she never had. She often wondered "Did the purple house that she and Teddy saw ever exist, or was it just an illusion?"

Căn nhà màu tím, màu tím bình yên

Giấc mơ màu tím, màu tím mộng mơ

Tình yêu màu tím, màu tím thủy chung

Váy em màu tím, màu tím tinh khôi

Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!