Entry for October 13, 2008

It's been 2.5 months of extreme depression.



I really hate my life right now.



No freedom, no money, no boyfriend, no career prospect, no good grad school prospect.

50 places to visit before you die

Today when trying to make my travel plans, I came across the BBC's list of 50 places to visit before you die. Looks like I have a lot of traveling to do before I die :( Below is the list. Highlighted in bold are the ones I can check off, ha ha....

1 The Grand Canyon USA
2 Great Barrier Reef Australia
3 Florida USA
4 South Island New Zealand
5 Cape Town South Africa
6 Golden Temple India
7 Las Vegas USA
8 Sydney Australia
9 New York USA
10 Taj Mahal India
11 Canadian Rockies Canada
12 Uluru Australia
13 Chichen Itza Mexico
14 Machu Picchu Peru
15 Niagara Falls Canada / USA
16 Petra Jordan
17 The Pyramids Egypt
18 Venice Italy
19 Maldives Maldives
20 Great Wall China (will visit soon)
21 Victoria Falls Zambia / Zimbabwe
22 Hong Kong Hong Kong (will visit soon)
23 Yosemite National Park USA
24 Hawaii USA
25 Auckland New Zealand
26 Iguassu Falls Argentina / Brazil
27 Paris France
28 Alaska USA (will visit soon)
29 Angkor Wat Cambodia (will visit soon)
30 Himalayas Nepal / Tibet
31 Rio de Janeiro Brazil
32 Masai Mara Kenya
33 Galapagos Islands Ecuador
34 Luxor Egypt
35 Rome Italy
36 San Francisco USA
37 Barcelona Spain
38 Dubai Arab Emirates
39 Singapore Singapore
40 La Digue Seychelles
41 Sri Lanka Sri Lanka
42 Bangkok Thailand
43 Barbados Barbados
44 Iceland Iceland
45 Terracotta Army China
46 Zermatt Switzerland
47 Angel Falls Venezuela
48 Abu Simbel Egypt
49 Bali Indonesia
50 Bora Bora French Polynesia

Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!

Today's another rainy day, perfect for listening to Dido...

About my friends

Sometimes I feel like I'm the most miserable girl in the world. Why can't I be simple and happy? Why do I have to be so complicated?

However, when I think about it, I also know that I am the luckiest girl in the world. And it is so true. I have a happy family. I have the smartest and most sophisticated mom and the most hardworking dad. I have the sweetest sister ever.

But most of all, I have the best friends ever. To tell the truth, I never felt I was a good friend at all. I sometimes ignored my friends’ phone calls or emails (so you can also imply that I never call or email anyone). I never remember anyone's birthdays. I was never one of those sympathetic friend and never good at expressing emotions or love. I am just lucky that my friends haven’t left me.

Ever since elementary school, I have had Lena and Ky Ha. I am also lucky that Lena and I have been together for so long, from Bangkok to Sai Gon to the US, and now we're in the same city – the best city in the whole world. We are so different yet I know I can trust her and she helps me view life in a different perspective.

In high school I had Mai Vy and Nga. Although I hated high school and didn't have good memories, they were what I remembered most. We girls in our white Ao Dais, sitting in the front row of the classroom, always gossiping about guys and copying each other's homework. It feels like only yesterday that we were together. There was also this moment of high school that I could never forget. We were in 11th grade, Math period or something like that. I was sitting next to T. I don't know what we were talking about but it came to this subject of “babies”. And to my dismay, I found out that she had no idea where babies came from. Imagine this coming from one of the top students in class, who should naturally be good at Biology. So the teacher was doing his thing on the board, and there I was, in the front row, whispering into T's ear a "crash course on how to make babies"! Needless to say, I didn't learn anything new in that class. But I am sure T did.

And then I went to England, to the boring city of Nottingham – the land of Robin Hood. It was the hardest 2 years of my life. Being away from home at 16, experiencing culture shock and financial hardship etc. I stayed with the same host family with Vinh Ha. We fought sometimes but we went everywhere together. He helped me get through those two years. At that time, I was a better student, but now I envy him (and I’m also very happy for him) for getting to do what he loves and loving every moment of it, while I am still stuck in this confined way of how to life my life.

I also came to know anh Hoang during my time in England. It was actually really funny how we knew each other. There was this forum on TTVNOL on “Sex before marriage”. I was really opposed to pre-marital sex and had strong opinions. He was one of those “perverts” who said “We should have as much sex as possible”. So we got into a big “argument” online where I called him all kinds of names. Somehow he found my contact and called me and suddenly we became friends! He was like a big brother to me, teaching me a lot about life and helping me open up, how to be a good friend and a good person. He also taught me to swear. He was also one of the reasons why I got a scholarship to the US. At that time, I had to go all the way to London to take the SATs, TOEFL, interviews for colleges in the US. He was the one to put me up, to take me out for meals, take me to the testing centers and giving me support. To this day, every time we talk, the first question he would ask is, “Hey are you still a virgin?” Ha ha ha…

During my time abroad, I also have a very special pen pal Khoi. You see, Khoi always had a crush on me since high school but never had the courage to tell me until I left. So we started emailing back and forth. I could tell him all my problems, my loneliness and hardship while living abroad. He would tell me about his life back at home, his effort to go abroad, about his family, his dog. When I’m sad, he would email me beautiful songs to cheer me up. Nowadays, whenever I cry in my sleep, I would listen to the song “Cry on my shoulder”, thinking that he’s there to comfort me.

I came to the US and met Tien who became my best friend in college (to know more, please read the “Happy day” blog entry). I also got to know Karol, my crazy Bolivian friend. It was freshman year and we had no place to stay for winter break. Luckily, I found a house to stay and pulled Karol in. We always joked that I saved him from being homeless that cold winter. He is so unique; I can’t find a way to describe him. Yet I can only say that he pulls me back to the ground whenever I got too crazy. He taught me that you have to love yourself and be self sufficient before you can love others. He never approved of my crush on guys and says “Mai, why do you always have to be dependent on a guy?” He is so talented and knowledgeable. He can paint really well and has special interest in Architecture (which is my long lost dream by the way). I haven’t seen him for 2 years and miss him terribly. He’s now at Rochester doing his PhD and hopefully will become an important Economist in the future. I am so proud of him.

There are many other important people in my life: chi Yen (who’s my big sister and takes really good care of me), An, Liem etc. There are people I forgot to name in this entry. But trust me, I love you and will never forget.

Most of all, I must mention Luan. What does it feel like to be loved by someone unconditionally or to have a friend who was always there for you? Well, I was lucky to have both. My friend Luan, whom I met in 10^th grade, is someone whom I owe a lot of what I have now to. He literally held my hands and walked me through every step, pushing me the whole time when I was applying to college. Up to these days, whenever I get disappointed, I can always call him and cry. He believes in my ability and strength even when I am unsure of myself. He even wrote about me in his college application essay “The woman of my life”. I am forever grateful for everything he has given me and everything he has done for me. I am forever in debt to him for not being able to return his love for me. I love you with all my heart as a friend, and I am sorry for not being able to be your girlfriend or wife.

And then last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I started chatting with Bao Son, a friend from secondary school whom I haven’t talked to or seen in 10 years. I was so surprised that he would listen to my problems and comfort me and made me feel so much better.

And then he sent me this song:

Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed

Its the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance

Its the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance

Its the one who wont be taken, the one who cant seem to give

And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long

And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong

Just remember that in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed, that with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose.

Thơ ông nội

Hôm nay ngồi lục lại các file cũ tình cơ tìm thấy mấy bài thơ của ông nội viết ngày xưa được mình và bé My type lại. Đọc lại thấy xúc động quá. Thương ông nội quá. Từ khi bà nội mất cứ cô đơn một mình, chỉ có niềm vui duy nhất là được ở bên con cháu. Mấy tháng ở SG với nhà mình, mấy tháng lại ở HN với nhà chú Tuấn Anh. Mặc dù có bao nhiêu bà theo đuổi nhưng ông vẫn không nguôi nỗi nhớ bà nội.

Mình biết ông có một ưóc nguyện không thành mà suốt đời ông day dứt. Đó là có được một đứa cháu đích tôn để nối dỗi dòng họ Lê. Giá mình là con trai thì đã là đứa cháu đích tôn cưng của ông rồi. Ông còn khao khát cho mình học tiến sĩ mà đến bây giờ mình vẫn không thực hiện được và không biết liệu sau này có thực hiện được không nữa.

Sau đây là 3 bài thơ ông viết khi mình mới sinh ra:

Nhớ cháu

Mới nửa tháng thôi ông về quê,

Bồn chồn, thao thức nhớ cháu ghê!

Cháu mình chắc lớn thêm rồi nhỉ?

Cháu cười tươi tắn thật xinh ghê!

Mình lại thay phiên xuống Hà Thành,

Nâng niu, bồng bế đứa cháu mình

Các con, bà cháu quây quần đủ

Rôm rả đùa vui đứa cháu xinh.

Mình ông buồn tẻ sống cô đơn

Ôi cháu làm sao! Cảnh vật buồn!

Vò võ một mình nghe đài vậy,

Ấm trà bốc khói cũng chẳng ngon.

Sương Mai mau lớn về quê nhé!

Múa hát ông nghe, thú tuổi già.

Ông muốn gia đình mình xum họp.

No đói nhưng mà vẫn thú vui.

Quê 20-3-1985

Không đề

Dân làng họ bảo mình sướng nhất,

Sung sướng vì con đã trưởng thành.

Cháu nội mới sinh thêm trẻ lại,

Hạnh phúc gia đình, mãi mùa xuân!

Nỗi khổ nào ai biết đến cho.

Các con đi cả, mình hiu quạnh.

Nặng nhẹ việc nhà tất đến ta,

Nổi khổ dày vò, ta kêu ta!

Bà về Hà Nội bế cháu thơ,

Mới chục hôm thôi biết không bà.

Tôi thấy buồn sao khong kể xiết.

Mọt mình vò võ cảnh quê nhà…

3-85

Không đề

Alô! Sương Mai đâu?

Mới một tuần thôi ông về quê.

Mà sao nhớ cháu của ông ghê!

Ngắm nhìn tấm ảnh càng thêm nhớ.

Nhớ cháu ông buồn viết vần thơ.

Tà tá ta cháu yêu tập nói.

MớI nhú hai răng cả nhà phấn khởi

Cháu cười tươi hớn hở, vui đùa,

Cháu hiểu gì không? Ông quí cháu thơ.

Ông không muốn cháu phải đi nhà trẻ.

Muốn luôn luôn bên cháu Sương Mai

Nhưng ông phải về quê ngày mùa gặt hái

Cháu có hiểu không? Cháu gái của ông.

Hôm nào ông ra, ông lại bề bống

Đi dạo mát bên hồ Thuyền Quang gió lộng.

Cháu mau lớn, đọc thông viết thạo

Đọc thơ ông cháu sẽ bật cười.

Thơ ông viết chẳng theo đường luật

Rất tự do, mang nặng tình thương.

Quê 86

Như các bạn thấy đấy, mình lại biến thành một đứa cháu rất hư, đi suốt không bao giờ chịu về duê thăm ông bà, lúc về thì không chịu ở lại vì chê quê không có toilet! Mình cũng vẫn chưa có dịp nào "múa hát ông nghe" nữa!

Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!

Prayer

Dear God,

Please give me your blessing and let me win the lottery. By the lottery I mean the H1-B visa lottery, not the real lottery. This H1-B is more important to me than anything money can buy.

I promise I will be good. I promise I will listen to my parents and email them more often.

I will go out less, I will study harder, I will sleep less, I will exercise, learn to cook, daydream less. I promise I will be less selfish.

I promise to be nice to my friends (please forgive me for bullying my friends when I was small).

I promise to be stricter with my sister.

I promise I will follow my dream of helping the poor. I promise I won't waste food. I promise to give more money to beggars in the subway.

I promise I will shop less.

I promise to love my enemies (although I don't have any enemies). I promise to love my neighbors (although I don't know any of their names). I promise to gossip less (I didn't say stop gossiping).

I know I have been a bad girl and refused to believe in you. But throughout the years, I have realized that everytime I need you (heartbreaks, disappointments, loneliness, failure) and prayed to you, you have always looked after me and forgiven me. I promise to obey you and put my trust in you.

Please let me stay in New York for another few years. Thank you God! God bless you, God. Amen.

Yours truly.

Suong Mai

Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!

This is the status of my blog lately

Cỏ da.i mọc khắp nơi... không ai chăm sóc...hic hic...