This is a story about love. Not a love story.
I stumbled upon a series of short stories about modern love on the New York Times and couldn’t stop reading. They really hit close to home. They are not novels of beautiful love stories or tragedies. They are stories written by real people of our times and the relationships they have gone through. Stories recalling the real experiences most of us have had in our lives: falling in love, hopeless love, heartbreak, betrayal, disappointment, regrets etc. Some stories gave you hope, some made you smile, some brought tears to your eyes.
Anyways, the other day suddenly I thought of my college ex-boyfriend. And ironically the next day he called me online just to catch up. I said sorry to him again, one of the many times I have apologized to him since we broke up. Our relationship was a rocky one, full of criticism, tears, fights, anger and breakups. But that’s not to say that we didn’t have good times together. Now only by looking back can I realize the things I took for granted: the IKEA furniture he lovingly assembled for me in my new apartment, the meals we had at our favorite Belgian restaurant, the times when he helped me with Physics homework while it wasn’t even his major, the many flights he took just to see me for a few days. As time goes by, recollections of a relationship fades, what is left is just one or two memories that make it all worthwhile. I was young, stupid and ambitious. He was young, naïve and hot tempered. Sometimes relationships need a combination of the right person and right timing. If we had met each other at a later stage of life, when we have grown up and knew how to behave, to value what we have, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out that way. I left him and the city we both loved. I broke his heart. In between the begging and pleading that came afterwards, he also called me a selfish bitch and said, “I’m the best shot you ever had at happiness. But you ruined it.”
It took years and many disappointments later for me to realize I was really a selfish bitch and that he had to really truly love me to be able to put up with me. However, he wanted me to be the person he hoped for not for who I am. Only by being so cruel to him could I later learn my lesson that to have a real relationship, you need to learn to love another person wholeheartedly more than yourself. From then on, I vowed to never make the same mistake and to become the best girlfriend I could be in any relationship I would commit to. I learned to make sacrifices, to compromise, to be dedicated, caring and loving. I would never cheat or lie or take someone for granted.
But maybe that was not enough. Fast forward to the future. I met a guy who was the complete opposite of my college boyfriend. He was smart, successful, and wise enough for me to look up to. He loved me for who I am and accepted my childish pursuits (or appreciate the red nail polish). He was old and mature enough for us to avoid all the silly fights. But being older means he has had a few years of experience more than me. And I was too young and unprepared for how complicated life or someone’s past could be. This time he broke my heart and left me shocked and devastated. I desperately wanted him back. He did come back, but each time I pushed him further away because I could not get over the pain and hurtful feelings he left me with. In the end, we have come to an irreconcilable place full of regrets of what could have been.
I have had a lot of time to think since then. I have come to understand that, loving someone is not enough. You have to learn to forgive that person and forgive yourself. Or else you will never move past the point of hurting one another for past mistakes. Life is complicated and unpredictable. A relationship is a rocky journey. People make mistakes. Things happen. In order to survive the many tests and make it through together, we need tolerance, trust and forgiveness. It is because we love someone that we have faith in that person. Not because we have faith that we love them. If only I have learnt to forgive and forget, I could have saved myself and the person I loved from our self-inflicted pain.
When looking back at our past relationships, there are so many “should’ve”, “would’ve”, “could’ve” but it is impossible to turn back time. And given a second chance, would we have acted differently or would we make the same mistakes all over again, just because we are human, I wonder?
Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!
