After 149 days of waiting, I got to see the person I love for 1 hour. Yes, after 149 days of loneliness, of never ending hope, prayers and disappointment.
Yet I walked out of that café crying and heartbroken once again. Only to have to accept the fact that the person I loved does not exist anymore. The person I was having lunch with, although pocessing the same body, was a completely different person. He was not the kind, loving, gentle, sweet, smart guy I used to know. He was not the same guy who would pursue me for months, take me to see chick flicks to comfort me when I was down, send me cute text messages only to get a reply from me one week later, run all the way to my house just to give me my favorite drink, cook for me and take me on romantic walks. He was not the same guy who wanted to marry me, who made plans for our future, who lovingly introduced me to his parents. The person I love made me feel safe and happy. However, this time sitting in front of me was an indifferent and cold stranger. Up until now I still couldn’t understand what happened.
What did I do after that? I walked straight into a boutique and bought myself two expensive dresses. I also went and distribute copies of all the relationship books I have to distribute to my heartbroken girl friends.
Back to the 1-hour lunch. What did I say to him after 149 days? NOTHING. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of saying something wrong that he would leave. Afraid of wasting our precious time together. Afraid of not being able to express myself or defending my feelings. And guess what? I was afraid of embarrassing him in front of other people, too.
Later that night, I talked to a friend, amid my tears and he asked, “Did you tell him how you feel?” “Uh huh, I told him I was hurt and lonely and missed him” “Did he take it seriously?” “I guess not. He said you look pretty and healthy! And laughed it off” “Do you see the problem now?”
What my friend pointed out what something I haven’t realized for many years. I don’t know when it started, but I have long had the habit of acting to please other people. Life is almost like a show where it is always the same routine. When I go out, I would always dress nicely, look happy, laugh and talk. No one had any idea how I feel or what I’m thinking or what was going on. When I am sad, I could always think of stupid pranks or jokes or crazy ideas or adventures or write a funny story about it. I had no idea how to express my true feelings. No one could understand. No one really knows. Maybe the only time I revealed myself involuntarily was when I was drunk.
Some of my best friends for a long time didn’t know until they witness first hand the reality. One even said, “When you go out, you are so confident and happy. I thought you were the “guy killer” who could get any guy you want and always treated like a princess”. Isn’t it ironic? When I have been heartbroken over one guy after the next, lonely and insecure, miserable and depressed for many years, even my friends thought I was happy with so many options to choose from!
Looking back, maybe I should have come see him in my messy hair, pajamas and swollen eyes so that he could see what life was really like these past 5 months without him. Why did I have to look pretty and sit there and watch him leave?
Disclaimer: My blog is for entertainment purposes only, please do not take it seriously or personally. Thank you!
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