Tonight, a Friday night alone in my room in Tokyo, I somehow re-read my diary. I almost never read what I wrote. I shivered and almost couldn’t recognize the girl in me who once wrote these lines:
I live in a fantasy and hurt myself. I break my own heart. I am just a little girl who grew up believing in love. I have every young girl's dream of being a princess. And to tell the truth, I still believe in love. No matter what happened, my heart still longed for the warmth and caring, the beautiful feeling of being in love and being loved.
I surprisingly still believe in unconditional love, in love at first sight, and the extreme powers love brings to a person. I still believe that you can do anything for someone you love, people can do incredible things to be with the one they love.
My heart trembles. My heart knows how to cry. It hurts.
I realized that if I stopped caring, I wouldn't feel the pain anymore and could be happy always. But I couldn't make myself to do it. I have a heart and my heart can't stop caring… After all, I chose to be hurt and heartbroken. I could have stopped this. I could have learned to protect myself. I have an option. But love is never fair, isn't it? It always makes some people happier but can also destroy some people's lives.
"Are you prepared to be hurt again or are you willing to live as if you don't care?"
I am sorry that I can only be human and have feelings. I am sorry I cannot control my emotions. I am sorry that I feel pain, sadness, disappointment and heartbroken and have expectations.
Sometimes I wonder, if I could be just a doll with no feelings, no emotional needs, no sadness.
But then, isn't pain and sadness a part of human? Could I be happy if I don't feel anything, have no demands or needs?
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