Wake me up when the bad dream ends...

Sometimes I wish it were just a bad dream. All of this. And that when I wake up again, it will all be over as if nothing ever happened.

This whole month, and especially these past few days were painful. I had no recollection what I ate or did. Each day waking up, I had no idea what I was going to do. I had no plan, for the first time in my life. Everything was just blurry. Shattered hopes and dreams. All I could do in one month was to think. I kept thinking about everything I could think of, over and over again, until I could recall everything in such details. But still, there was nothing I could do. I have tried everything. In real life, in my dreams, in my prayers.

Especially that night after the earthquake, with the constant shaking of aftershocks, lying alone in my bed trying to sleep. I had never felt so scared and lonely. And I just realized how wild and stupid of me to ever want to live by myself abroad all these years, wanting to travel to the most exotic and adventurous places. It's not something I want anymore. All I want now is to be home. And I've made a decision that this is enough. After my MBA, I'll go home and settle down, to be near my family. I don't wish to live or travel anywhere else alone unless it's with family. I remembered my mom saying when I always want to go to dangerous places: "Once you've lived through a real war, you'll understand what it's really like and will never be interested in such adventures again"

That day, right after the earthquake, after emailing my family, all I could think of is whether the person I cared about was OK. I searched and tried to contact him frantically. Life is too short. But at least I have no regrets now.

The only image I remember of this whole month was of parents bringing their little kids up to the priest to receive blessings during the communion in church last Sunday. I just looked at them and wanted to cry. It was both my desire to be like the child, not having to worry about anything, and my dreams of being like the parents, to have my own family and children. When I was small, all I wanted was to grow up. How I did not listen to my mom's advice that childhood is the best period of one's life.

Well, those reading my blog would think I'm very depressed. But I'm not a depressed girl. I only write when I'm sad. Why? Because when I'm happy, I was too busy enjoying those short lived periods than spending time writing a blog. I guess that's the same with many artists and writers. They can only create or compose when they're depressed. But I do not wish to be like them. All I want is a simple happy life.

If only this whole month was just a dream. Or that we could erase our memories of one person like in "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". So that we don't have to live haunted by the beautiful memories and facing the realities of its existence no more...